Funny Thanksgiving Poem
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"Gluten Free Thanksgiving"

Wild Turkey Hen

This funny Thanksgiving poem is a "warning" letter to family, friends, and loved ones.

It's a request for some understanding, co-operation, and help in order to keep the Thanksgiving holiday gluten free.

Without this, there may be some consequences that could ruin the holiday celebration.

25. Gluten Free Thanksgiving - A Letter to Loved Ones

     by Paul Berchtold, November, 2010

Dear family and friends, if over I come,
For a holiday visit, at your welcome,
And we're seated 'round your lovely table,
Please understand why I'm not able,
To eat your many beautiful dishes,
Despite your insistent, most earnest wishes.

These dishes show your work and cheer,
Some only made once a year,
You must surely slave, hard and long,
Over the oven, whistling your song,
No doubt your recipes take many an hour,
The finest ingredients, the best of flour.

I really don't want, to pop your bubble,
After you've gone to so much trouble.
I hate to throw you monkey wrenches,
When you've worked so hard in the trenches,
But I must tell you, my face is blue,
I can't eat gluten. It's worse than glue.

Please hear me right, the sound is gluten,
Starts like glue, ends hollering and hootin,
Either way my meal, will probably be,
Also wisely spent, glutton free!
And that's because there's not a glut,
Of gluten-free foods to fill my gut.

Thanks to many a local store,
Gluten free is coming more and more,
But even so, it's not real cheap,
You'd better have big large pockets deep,
But I'm on a shoe-string budget you know,
And my strings are breaking high and low.

I'm very lucky, and don't want to complain,
Of all my aches, and all my pain,
After decades of trouble, can't you see ?
I found the problem, fi - nal - ly !
I'm gluten-free, or I'd be dead,
So I can't eat toast, and I can't eat bread.

No wheat or oats or barley or rye,
I'll eat again, or I just might die.
Avoiding these things is an absolute must.
No stuffings, no gravies, no pie crust,
The list of no's is so very long,
I'll likely just bring, my own food along.

Raw fruits and veggies, nuts and seeds,
These are now my special needs,
Almond butter, fish, kelp meal,
Rice bread and cheese, what a deal !
And replacing oats and wheatie flakes,
Are what I call, rice cardboard cakes.

You just don't find these things and more,
In every cupboard, behind any door.
Don't you worry, have no fear,
What I treasure most this year,
I'm alive and well, I'm in better health.
My time on earth is greater than wealth.

This could be my punishment mild,
For passing on veggies, when I was a child,
But if you happen to see, my sheepish face,
When gathered together, saying grace,
I hope I can hide my wicked little grin,
Against the grim reaper, who failed again!

Over 30 years I've been dying,
Every avenue I've been trying,
Doctors, books, research, notions,
Diets, pills, potions, lotions.
Just this Spring my heart gave out,
A reminder we must sometime go out.

I could've gone, but was lucky yet,
I hadn't my Creator met.
But to keep it that way, I have to say no,
To most on the table, and that's just so,
I can help keep the day, fun and free,
So you won't have to call, emergency!

I'm thinking it's probably not my time,
Which is why I'm writing this special rhyme.
I'd rather be here with family and friends,
Than have to this day in the hospital spend,
Of course it could be a whole lot worse,
You could be following, me in a hearse!

I'm glad, my friends, you're not digging my grave,
Think of all the work I save!
I'd like you to help me keep it that way,
So I won't have to ruin Thanksgiving Day!
I'm glad to be counted among the living,
Telling one and all - Happy Thanksgiving !


             Poems by Paul Berchtold
      © Copyright - All rights reserved.

You are welcome to use and share this poem, provided you follow the Poem Terms and Conditions.

A Seriously Funny Thanksgiving Poem?

This funny Thanksgiving poem is actually a bit serious for me.

In May of 2010, because of health issues, I stopped eating foods with gluten in them.. Within 3-5 days I experienced the benefits of improved health.

I originally planned to stay gluten free for 6 months, but have stayed that way since. In fact, since January 2014, as best I can remember, I stopped eating bread entirely.

There were sacrifices involved, but the good habit has become easier with time.

It's a great blessing to have more health and feel more energy.

Good health is such a blessing from God, that it's worth taking proper care of this his gift, to better serve him and others.

Thank your stars!

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